17. Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom: Mangia

There is probably no film in the Criterion Collection more notorious and harder to sit through than Salo. As a cinephile, this was also the most "legendary" Criterion release, since I would always see copies of its prior out of print release on special displays, covered in glass, for over $100 at various movie stores. When I got deep into cult/trash cinema, Salo was described as one of those films that operates at the highest level of vulgar. Even before popping it in I had an idea of what to expect.

Nothing really prepares you for how disgusting this movie is, or how gross you feel while watching it. It's not even so much the acts depicted in the film as the attitude the characters have while performing them. The film is one humiliation after another, with the fascists treating abuse, rape and coprophagia as delicacies that only their refined tastes can appreciate. The victims are barely allowed any humanity here, and in one rare scene where Pasolini allows two victims to speak to each other, one of the girls tells the other "I can't take it." Because this is one of the only lines of dialog the victims have, it's also one of the most heartbreaking.

Pasolini goes out of his way to make the viewer feel uncomfortable, and the final scene of the victims being tortured to death is all the more brutal because it's filmed through the point of view of the masturbating fascists. You see tongues being carved off, penises being burned by candles, all through binocular-framed shots. By forcing the viewer to see things from the torturer's point of view, you are being made a participant, and this stands as the cruelest trick that Pasolini plays on the audience. You're punished for even seeing his film, and are just as complicit in the violence as the fascists. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

This film was never going to get a high ranking. It's hard for me to even say whether or not I "liked" this movie. It's clearly the work of a great filmmaker, and there's a philosophy behind this film that makes it more than a standard exploitation flick. Despite all the nudity and sex, it stands so far on the opposite end of "titillating" that my girlfriend and I could barely even touch each other for weeks after watching it. Pasolini was successful in what he set out to do, but I never, ever, ever want to watch this movie again, nor would I recommend it to anyone other than a die-hard cinephile. To the bottom of the list you go, Salo.

1. Beauty and the Beast (1946)
2. Seven Samurai (1954)
3. The Seventh Seal (1957)
4. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
5. Grand Illusion (1937)
6. Hard Boiled (1992)
7. The 400 Blows (1959)
8. Walkabout (1971)
9. The Killer (1989)
10. This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
11. A Night to Remember (1958)
12. The Lady Vanishes (1938)
13. The Samurai Trilogy (1954-1956)
14. Amarcord (1973)
15. Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975)


Next time: I hopefully get some cheap thrills with Samuel Fuller's The Naked Kiss.

16. Samurai III: Duel at Ganryu Island muffs the ending

Samurai III: Duel at Ganryu Island ends the Samurai Trilogy with a clever fight scene but numerous unanswered questions. Really, the film doesn't end as much as it just stops, and even though this is the second time I've watched this trilogy, my reaction to the ending was exactly the same this time around as it was the first: "That's it?" I know that endings are tricky and I'm sure the book ties everything up near the end, but this film almost feels like the crew said, "you know what? We're done here" and just stopped working on the story after the final duel.

I don't remember being as irritated by the ending the first time around as I am now, but boy did it ever leave me limp this time. I wanted to know what happens with him and Otsu. I wanted to know if he was going to continue his life as a samurai or give it up to settle down. I wanted to know if he was going to continue taking on apprentices, since he has two of them by the time he leaves for the last duel. And moreover, I wanted to know what the fuck happened to Matahachi, who had such an interestingly slimy character arc that disappeared after he was exposed as a fraud. After all the promise of the second film, which seemed to be setting up an emotionally powerful, epic climax, we get a run-of-the-mill rivalry between Musashi and another great fighter named Sasaki. It never feels as powerful as it portends to be, the outcome is never in question, and when it happens it only lasts a couple of drama-free minutes. Even describing it is pissing me off a bit.

Overall, after the promise of the second film I was on board with this series and eager to see how it ended. I hoped that things would wrap up better than they actually did, and even though I was all ready to boost this one up a few spots, the ending ruined that. The third film in this trilogy was a real disappointment, and while it was entertaining overall it didn't have the kind of emotional punch I was hoping for. Therefore, I'm going to leave it at #13. I appreciate the scope of this story, but there are far too many loose ends for me to put it any higher. I'm almost tempted to slide it down to #14, but I enjoyed this one more than Amarcord, so I'm leaving it where it is, regardless of my disappointment.

1. Beauty and the Beast (1946)
2. Seven Samurai (1954)
3. The Seventh Seal (1957)
4. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
5. Grand Illusion (1937)
6. Hard Boiled (1992)
7. The 400 Blows (1959)
8. Walkabout (1971)
9. The Killer (1989)
10. This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
11. A Night to Remember (1958)
12. The Lady Vanishes (1938)
13. The Samurai Trilogy (1954-1956)
14. Amarcord (1973)

Next time: The good folks at Criterion gag me with a shit-filled spoon as I force myself to sit through another viewing of the classic feel-lousy Pasolini joint Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom. Pray for me, dear readers, since the last time I watched this film I felt miserable for an entire week.

15. Samurai II: Duel at Ichijoji Temple: More macho dick waving

Samurai II picks up immediately where the last film left off, with Miyamoto going off to have adventures and seek enlightenment. I find myself wanting to continuously compare these films to The Lord of the Rings, and if I may be allowed to continue on that point, this film ups the action, introduces some new heavies for Miyamoto to do battle with, and makes the first film better in retrospect because now the full story is coming to light. The first Samurai film acted as a feature length origin story, and while Miyamoto is still developing, he's now a more interesting character, as is his douchebag friend Matahachi. It's been years since I've watched these films so I don't remember the outcome, but I'm hoping Matahachi gets his because fuck is that guy insufferable.

One thing about this film that makes me laugh is how ridiculously macho it is. This theme featured in the first film as well, but it starts getting over the top here, with constant references to people not acting "manly." Not that it's just the men who get this; the women here also get shit for not being womanly enough. Some are happy to play the lady in waiting, while others suffer sadder fates. In one scene a character is raped by a man who's been courting her, while her parents overhear it and smile in the next room. The dad approves of it, and when the mom displays some slight disapproval, her husband reminds her that she too was reluctant the first time. If anything deserves the label "rape culture," this is it. I can't imagine a society where rape is not only inevitable, but can be laughed off.

Even though I already suspected this going in, watching Samurai II hammered home that these are not individual films but one story sliced into three parts. This is clear as the movie starts; the action picks up right where the last film left off, with nary a prologue in sight. In fact, a bored editor could splice the opening shot immediately after the final shot of the previous film without much tweaking. Therefore, I'm going to adjust the ranking of this and just label it as The Samurai Trilogy and smash all three films into one spot on the list. The first film left me a bit soft, but the second one has so much more going on with character development and conflict that now I've bought into this series. I'm looking forward to watching the next one. However, because this story isn't finished yet, I'm not going to change the ranking. The ending of a film is crucial, and the final ranking of this trilogy hinges on how well it can stick the landing.

1. Beauty and the Beast (1946)
2. Seven Samurai (1954)
3. The Seventh Seal (1957)
4. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
5. Grand Illusion (1937)
6. Hard Boiled (1992)
7. The 400 Blows (1959)
8. Walkabout (1971)
9. The Killer (1989)
10. This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
11. A Night to Remember (1958)
12. The Lady Vanishes (1938)
13. The Samurai Trilogy (1954-1956) (tentative)
14. Amarcord (1973)


Next time: I finish off the Samurai Trilogy, and then...oh fuck, I just saw what comes after it and now I feel sick.

14. Samurai I: Musashi Miyamoto vs. women in general

The first film in the Samurai trilogy, Hiroshi Inagaki's Miyamoto Musashi is one of those films that I can watch and recognize as being good, but for whatever reason fails to connect with me on any kind of emotional level. While watching this movie I kept thinking, "yup, this sure is a good movie," but that's all. To be frank, I'm not all that pumped to fire up the next installment in the trilogy, mainly because I anticipate another good movie that just kind of washes over me. I don't know why this is.

I keep using "good" because nothing here feels great to me. Mifune's fine as always, but it doesn't help that I've already seen him in other, more iconic samurai roles. Even the dickhead antics of the Buddhist priest Soho didn't register much of a response from me. There's a lot to like in this movie, and I particularly liked the scene of Mifune hanging from a tree and then later being locked in a room full of books, but these were satisfactory to me, nothing more. As for stuff I flat-out hated, there's a shrewish girl who Matahachi hooks up with who feels like she was written by a teenage boy who hates women. That character yanked me out of the movie because she didn't feel like a real person, just random, blind misogyny poured into one person. Granted, Otsu was OK, even if she was kind of simpering, but still. It's kind of odd to criticize this film for its female characters while I gave Seven Samurai a free pass, but there's a world of difference between these two films. At no point while watching Seven Samurai was I pulled out of the movie and forced to think about how the characters were written.  I don't know. This is a fine movie, but maybe the lack of humor got to me. Just give me some fucking jokes, Hiroshi. Something!

The film ends on a Fellowship of the Ring note, with the story unfinished and practically screaming for a "To Be Continued" tag. Therefore, it feels odd to rank this as a self-contained film. As the journey of a samurai from being a defeated bandit to the priest's apprentice it works decently, but because there's clearly more to come on the horizon it doesn't give you any kind of closure as the picture fades to black. Strangely, while this is clearly a bottom-level film for me, I think I liked it more than Amarcord. I don't know why Amarcord keeps getting progressively worse in my estimation the further away I get from the viewing, but it does.

1. Beauty and the Beast (1946)
2. Seven Samurai (1954)
3. The Seventh Seal (1957)
4. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
5. Grand Illusion (1937)
6. Hard Boiled (1992)
7. The 400 Blows (1959)
8. Walkabout (1971)
9. The Killer (1989)
10. This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
11. A Night to Remember (1958)
12. The Lady Vanishes (1938)
13. Samurai I: Musashi Miyamoto (1954)
14. Amarcord (1973)

Next up: I continue on my hero's journey as I join Mifune for his Duel at Ichijoji Temple. Will this film somehow boost my appreciation of this one? Let's hope so.

13. The Silence of the Lambs: The modern Dracula

In the realm of "shitty ideas that turned out brilliant," one of the best examples has to be Brian Fuller's Hannibal TV series. No one thought a TV prequel show about Hannibal Lecter was going to be any good, let alone the most visually stunning work of art to be aired on network TV since Twin Peaks. A strong vocal cult developed around this show (one that I'm a part of), and the only downside to this, aside from the embarrassing nickname "Fannibals", is that certain fans have downplayed Anthony Hopkins' iconic portrayal of Hannibal in order to boost Mads Mikkelsen's. These people need to sit down and re-watch Silence of the Lambs and ignore every other Hannibal Lector film that came after.

Silence of the Lambs is an odd mixture of psychological crime drama and Gothic horror, with Anthony Hopkins channeling his inner Bela Lugosi to create what would be considered one of the greatest horror monsters in recent history. The film, which certain actors refused to call a horror film, is absolutely a part of the horror genre, with Clarice Starling's first visit to Hannibal being a direct homage to Jonathan Harker's first journey into Dracula's castle. The Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane is a brick-laden dungeon, betraying director Jonathan Demme's horror angle and leading to a shot of a smiling Lecter staring at the audience, a brilliant reveal that calls back to Lugosi's first appearance as the Count. From then on Lecter looms over the rest of the film, creating the effect, much like Heath Ledger's Joker in The Dark Knight, that he's on screen more often than he actually is because people can't stop talking about him.

Jodie Foster's performance as Clarice Starling, while not as iconic, is an amazing emotional journey that successfully wrestles the film away from Hannibal and places the focus back on Starling as she goes about her investigation of the murderer Buffalo Bill. This is one of the meatiest roles an actress could hope for, since not only is Starling the protagonist of the film, but there's also thankfully no love interest here, even if the argument could be made that the relationship between Clarice and Hannibal is a courtship. When you watch The Silence of the Lambs and pay attention to how great the character of Clarice Starling is portrayed, you understand completely why Foster turned down the shitty Grand Guignol horseshit she was offered for the sequel.

Speaking of sequels, part of the reason why Hopkins' portrayal of Hannibal is easy to dismiss is because of the exaggerated, jokey way he started portraying the character in both Hannibal and Red Dragon. Hopkins amped up all the corny aspects of the character and instead of being afraid of him, he became another Freddy Krueger that you wanted to root for. Yes, Lecter does make some corny jokes in Silence of the Lambs ("love your dress!"), but he is also a real threat, and no one knows if he would actually murder Clarice if he had the chance. At the end of the sequel he's almost a dashing hero, albeit one who serves a portion of Ray Liotta's brain to a small boy on a plane.

The Silence of the Lambs, next to Seven, was the best horror film to come out of the 90s, and one of the best horror films ever made, full stop. Horror also happens to be one of my favorite genres, so this one's gonna get ranked higher than most people would rank it. When thinking about the ranking, it's tempting to try to come up with reasons why I like it more than Grand Illusion. The fact is, as much as I love Grand Illusion, I can't come up with a single reason why I should rank it higher than The Silence of the Lambs. I truly did not expect to have it ranked this high, but seriously, if you haven't watched The Silence of the Lambs recently, do it. Just try to ignore what Hopkins did to that character later, and all the jokey Buffalo Bill jokes that started infiltrating pop culture in the early aughts.

1. Beauty and the Beast (1946)
2. Seven Samurai (1954)
3. The Seventh Seal (1957)
4. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
5. Grand Illusion (1937)
6. Hard Boiled (1992)
7. The 400 Blows (1959)
8. Walkabout (1971)
9. The Killer (1989)
10. This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
11. A Night to Remember (1958)
12. The Lady Vanishes (1938)
13. Amarcord (1973)

Next up: Do I rank Hiroshi Inagaki's Samurai Trilogy as three separate films or just one? How the fuck do you even rank something like this? Find out when I kick off this triple feature with Musashi Miyamoto.

12. This Is Spinal Tap vs. A Night to Remember

This Is Spinal Tap is a great comedy that I feel like I'm struggling to write about. It's a classic mockumentary, possibly the best in the genre, but for some reason I'm not able to formulate anything more than, "it's funny!" I think if I were more into the cock-waving world of heavy metal or was more invested in band movies that I'd have more to say. Nearly every joke lands here, with the only false step (in my opinion) being the fate of their current drummer and the hinted threat of violence by their longtime manager against David's girlfriend June. If I had to pick a favorite character it would probably be Harry Shearer as the mustachioed bassist Derek, mainly because he looks ridiculous but also because two of my favorite physical gags involve him being a bit of a butt monkey.

Really, if I watched this movie in my teens or early twenties when music played a much larger role in my life, I probably would have latched onto it and have joined the cult of fans that still attend Spinal Tap concerts. As it is, it's a brilliant comedy that I like a lot and would recommend to everyone, but I'm feeling a certain level of detachment to it that I can't quite explain. Maybe I need to watch it several more times for me to throw it in the "love" category. Its cult status is definitely deserved, and I can see how the sharp satiric bent of this film eventually went into shows like The Simpsons (and not just because there Shearer connection) and influenced pop culture. The reason why it doesn't feel dated to me is because the humor still seems fresh. It's a very tight film that doesn't overstay its welcome and keeps the jokes coming up until the credits in. The economy at work here is a relief when dealing with 2 1/2 hour meandering Judd Apatow films.

All of this sounds like I'm going to rank it low, but that's not the case. This is a film that I'd gladly watch again, even if I wouldn't rush out and buy it. It's definitely a more memorable film that A Night to Remember or The Lady Vanishes, but I can't get myself to rank it higher than The Killer. Right now, the #9 spot seems fair, even if a case could be made that this should be higher up.

1. Beauty and the Beast (1946)
2. Seven Samurai (1954)
3. The Seventh Seal (1957)
4. Grand Illusion (1937)
5. Hard Boiled (1992)
6. The 400 Blows (1959)
7. Walkabout (1971)
8. The Killer (1989)
9. This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
10. A Night to Remember (1958)
11. The Lady Vanishes (1938)
12. Amarcord (1973)

Next: I slip on a size 14 when I review Jonathan Demme's horror classic The Silence of the Lambs.

11. The Seventh Seal: Bergman's one funny motherfucker

It's rare to find a film as intimidating as The Seventh Seal. This is one of those Important films, a film that you are expected to not only assume is brilliant, but also to respect and speak about in hushed tones. This is Serious Cinema. There will be no fucking around with the great Ingmar Bergman.

The thing is though, when you actually pop one of these in and start watching it as just a film, all the intimidating bullshit flakes away. Yes, The Seventh Seal is an important movie with iconic scenes that every film lovers needs to watch. It's also, shockingly, a fun viewing with some legitimately funny shit going on. The famous "chess with Death" scenes are great, but less talked about is the scene of Death sawing the trunk of a tree to get at an actor hiding in the branches. It feels like something out of a Mel Brooks film. There's also a delightful sequence prior to that one of a cuckolded husband threatening to murder said actor, with the Squire making sarcastic running commentary on the affair. Finally, there's a scene of the Knight in a confession booth talking about his strategy for beating Death at chess, and it's revealed that the person he was talking to in the booth was Death all along, who smiles and says that he'll remember his strategy. That's some straight-up Bugs Bunny shit.

This isn't to say that The Seventh Seal isn't an Important and Serious film. There are a lot of striking images here that will stay with you long after the jokes fade, and have probably contributed to its current reputation. The burning of the witch is heartbreaking and terrifying, and the final scene where the Knight, his wife and their friends finally have to confront Death is a powerful ending that's guaranteed to stick with you and possibly cause a crisis of faith. Or at least that's what it did for a friend of mine.

I love The Seventh Seal and like I said, it's not as intimidating to watch as its reputation suggests. The humor helps lift up the tragic scenes, and this film would not be the masterpiece it is without the jokes. As for the ranking, it's a three-way battle between this and my top two. As much as I love this film, Beauty and the Beast is still one of my all-time favorites, so that one's staying put. Seven Samurai's a bit harder to put above it, but personal enjoyment is the deciding factor, and in the future I'll be more inclined to watch that over The Seventh Seal. Therefore, Bergman swoops in and takes the #3 spot.

1. Beauty and the Beast (1946)
2. Seven Samurai (1954)
3. The Seventh Seal (1957)
4. Grand Illusion (1937)
5. Hard Boiled (1992)
6. The 400 Blows (1959)
7. Walkabout (1971)
8. The Killer (1989)
9. A Night to Remember (1958)
10. The Lady Vanishes (1938)
11. Amarcord (1973)

Next up: I try my hardest not to immediately put This is Spinal Tap at 11.

10. Walkabout: The greatest nature doc not narrated by David Attenborough?

Due to my taste in films and general laziness, there are a lot of films that I would never have watched if they weren't on some movie list I was trying to finish. For example, something like The Best Years of Our Lives is something that I would absolutely skip because the theme of soldiers returning home has never appealed to me unless it was part of a bigger story. Walkabout is another film that I would have avoided, because "two kids walk through the Outback, meet an Aborigine, then go back to civilization" sounds like a recipe for boredom to me. If it wasn't part of the 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die list, I wouldn't have watched it a couple years back.

I try to go into films with as little knowledge about them as possible, sometimes even skipping the plot synopsis, so Walkabout surprised the hell out of me when I first saw it years ago. Seeing it again, the film holds up and is even more appealing to me now that I've gotten older and my tastes have changed slightly. I'm a much more patient viewer, and after getting hooked on programs such as Planet Earth I was enthralled by the shots of lizards, kangaroos, and other assorted animals that I don't even know the names of. I'm a big fan of nature serving as a character, and the Outback here feels like a formidable antagonist for our two young leads.

Speaking of our leads, Jenny Agutter is very good here, going through an emotional trip that has her acting like an authority figure, trying to maintain "proper" manners, and then finally depending on her much younger brother to ask their Aborigine friend questions. I can see how someone would criticize her for mostly seeming blank in this film, but she looks genuinely frightened at this new world she's been thrust into, and she does a convincing job taking on the parenting role while also being vulnerable enough to rely on her younger brother for certain things (such as "protecting" her during the Aborigine's mating dance). Luc Roeg is fucking adorable as the little brother, and thank Christ Nicolas Roeg didn't ask his son to cry in this film, because it works so much better with him just frolicking in the sand, playing around, and being a chatterbox.

Finally, David Gulpilil does a fine job as the Aborigine that finds the two, giving a charismatic performance mostly through expressions and movements, since he doesn't speak English here. I especially liked his relationship with the boy, since somehow he's able to communicate with him much easier than with the older, more educated sister. The scene at the end when he finds the road might be one of my favorites, along with seeing how shitty the white man treats his surroundings. His relationship with Jenny is interesting because she clearly likes him but can't force herself to have an interest in him, since she's too tied to her normal, modern world. It's a nice kick in the face when they finally reach civilization and encounter a cantankerous dickhead who tells them to stay off his property and not touch his stuff. However, her attitude throughout the film makes her final scene, where she's married and fantasizing about swimming naked with her brother and their Aborigine friend, a bit harder to take. I get that it's tinged with regret, but I don't feel her interest in staying in the Outback was telegraphed all that well during the main portion of the film.

This was an easier ranking than expected. I'm starting to see a dividing line in my ranking, where I have movies that I loved and movies that I really liked. That line seems to exist between The 400 Blows and The Killer, and that seems like a fair spot to put Walkabout, a film that, at least for right now, is straddling that line.

1. Beauty and the Beast (1946)
2. Seven Samurai (1954)
3. Grand Illusion (1937)
4. Hard Boiled (1992)
5. The 400 Blows (1959)
6. Walkabout (1971)
7. The Killer (1989)
8. A Night to Remember (1958)
9. The Lady Vanishes (1938)
10. Amarcord (1973)


Now that I've finished the first ten, I'm surprised at how this turned out. If I were to predict this ranking before I started, Hard Boiled definitely would not have been as high as it is, Amarcord wouldn't have been as low, and I certainly wouldn't have had A Night to Remember above The Lady Vanishes. Because my opinion of a movie changes with distance, I don't expect that I'll agree with this ranking even a week from now, but art that doesn't live and breath with you isn't worth examining, so I don't see this as an issue.


Next time: I tackle another one of the major, untouchable masterpieces when I watch Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal. Can this be another film to knock down Seven Samurai? Your guess is as good as mine.

9. Hard Boiled: The Greatest Action Film Ever Made?

I've watched a lot of movies in my life. So many, in fact, that there are a ton that I swear I've watched before, but when I "rewatch" them it turns out that I never saw them in the first place. Now, I could have sworn that I've seen Hard Boiled before, even though I didn't remember anything about it's plot. It could have been that I just saw a bunch of clips from it, and during one of my massive movie marathons I thought I saw it around the same time that I saw The Killer. As it turns out I was grossly mistaken. I would have remembered this movie, since it's probably the best action film I've ever seen.

George Miller's Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior is the standard that all action films are typically held to, but as much as I adore that film, Hard Boiled beats it by a hair. This film just keeps pounding you with the most gorgeous destruction you'll ever see, bloodshed that actually qualifies as a work of art, and multiple great performances, especially by the always-brilliant Chow Yun-fat and Tony Leung Chiu-Wai. As John Woo's Hong Kong swan song before moving on to a much less interesting Hollywood career, this films like a director throwing every single trick he has at you, and it works as the culmination of a master at the top of his craft. I can imagine the excitement at the time this came out, with people wondering what Woo would be capable of with a Hollywood budget and the best resources in the business at his disposal. Turns out he didn't need it, since with a $4 1/2 million dollar budget Woo was able to kick the living shit out of anything Hollywood was putting out at the time, aside from the random Spielberg and Cameron joints.

A lot of critics apparently prefer The Killer over Hard Boiled due to Yun-fat's character in that film, and I can understand that. As a character study, The Killer is a better story, while Hard Boiled splits the story between the two leads, and Yun-fat's character isn't much more than "bad ass who's a great shot." What pushes Hard Boiled way further ahead of The Killer for me is that the character deficiencies are more than made up for with the best action set pieces committed to film. I've already seen a bunch of films about killers with a heart of gold. I've rarely seen anything as majestic as Hard Boiled's hospital climax.

Clearly I'm going to put this one above The Killer. Hell, I'll even put it above The 400 Blows. Do I dare put it above Grand Illusion? That's the problem with the immediate response to a film like this...I'm tempted to just pit it against Seven Samurai, even though that feels preposterous to me. As much as I'm still riding a high from this film, I can't quite put it above Grand Illusion. Renoir's classic is just too funny, too deep, and all around just too great to put this film above it. Plus, and this is a biggie, I'll probably watch Grand Illusion again sooner than Hard Boiled, mainly because at this point in my life I don't need to keep snorting up the action. The quieter, subtler works are the ones I'll want to revisit more often as I get older.

1. Beauty and the Beast (1946)
2. Seven Samurai (1954)
3. Grand Illusion (1937)
4. Hard Boiled (1992)
5. The 400 Blows (1959)
6. The Killer (1989)
7. A Night to Remember (1958)
8. The Lady Vanishes (1938)
9. Amarcord (1973)

Next time: Before she was dating American Werewolves Jenny Agutter was going for a Walkabout with Nicolas Roeg. How will the first ten films of the Criterion Collection be ranked? Come back to find out!

8. The balletic bloodshed in John Woo's The Killer

Has a director ever made violence look as gorgeous as John Woo? A lot of directors have made gun fights and swordplay look great, but right now I'm hard-pressed to think of another film where a bunch of men shooting each other looked as choreographed as the Broadway Melody segment in Singin' in the Rain.

The Killer is the first of two back-to-back John Woo action films in the Criterion Collection and the first to be made in my lifetime. It's hard to describe, but even films that were made when I was in grade school feel more current to me than even something in the 70s. There's a weird psychological tic where this film feels "modern", while 1974's Amarcord still feels like it's part of an older, "classic" era. Because action films have dominated the box office my entire life, seeing this film again feels like I'm in on the ground floor of something magical. The first director to kick start my rabid love of films was Tarantino, and man did he ever jack Woo's style. Aside from that, you also see how Michael Bay stole from this movie as well, and there were a number of times that I was reminded of Bad Boys 2 while watching this, only Bay's version was the much more misogynistic and shitty version.

What I love about the Criterion Collection, and why in general it's a great reference point for movie fans, is that a top-tier action film like this gets into the collection. There's no waffling bullshit the justify its entry. This is clearly one of the best of the form, and deserves to sit along side such "serious" films as The 400 Blows and Seven Samurai.

While I've harped on about the action, the story here is also very good. It's another "criminal with a heart who wants to go straight" movies, but the characters are fantastic here, and Chow Yun-fat's relationship with the cop who's trying to arrest him is touching, though perhaps obvious in retrospect. There are a few things I had a problem with, such as what happens to Yun-fat's character at the end, but the scene immediately following helps to wash that away. As far as action films go, this one is right near the top in every category.

As for ranking, the story, while very good, isn't quite great in my opinion.  That's not the point, but if I'm going to pit this against the best of the best, then the story does matter in the ranking. So far there have been three pure action/suspense films in the list, and I think this deserves to sit right at the top. A Night to Remember and The Lady Vanishes are fantastic, but The Killer is such a rush that the other two can't compete, and that's ignoring the undeniable influence that it has had over modern action cinema. Meanwhile Amarcord continues to plummet, which strangely enough is making me feel bad even though I didn't love that movie.

1. Beauty and the Beast (1946)
2. Seven Samurai (1954)
3. Grand Illusion (1937)
4. The 400 Blows (1959)
5. The Killer (1989)
6. A Night to Remember (1958)
7. The Lady Vanishes (1938)
8. Amarcord (1973)

Next up: I wrap up my John Woo double feature with 1992's Hard Boiled. Will I prefer it to the Killer, or will I puss out and have them one on top of the other? Stayed tuned!

7. A Night to Remember vs. The Lady Vanishes

Finally, a film I've never seen before! Not only that, but it's also connected to the film I was going to pit it up against anyway, The Lady Vanishes, as director Roy Ward Baker acted as assistant director on that film. Baker also worked extensively in both film and television, doing genre work like The Avengers and later making several horror films. Coming after the murder's row of auteurs previously encountered in the list, you can't help but root for the guy.

The reason why I'm pitting A Night to Remember up against The Lady Vanishes is because both are pulse-pounding suspense films that don't carry the big Important label that every other film in the list has so far. This film is about the night that the Titanic sunk, and touches on nearly every group of people affected on the ship. Surprisingly, the iceberg collision happens a mere 30 minutes into the film, and the 90 remaining minutes are people being assholes to each other and either putting on a brave face or losing their shit in panic. I was more engrossed in this film than I expected, and nice touches like the dining room tray sliding across the room added to the increasing dread. It's also a solid ensemble piece, with no clear lead but a number of strong characters. The writing is superb in this aspect because the entitlement and asshattery of the upper classes is delicious, especially in a scene where a woman complains about her life vest because it looks ugly, and another man sniffing about it slightly hurting him.

This is a great disaster film, and it's obvious that James Cameron liberally "borrowed" from this film for Titanic. I haven't seen Titanic in years, but I'm tempted to say A Night to Remember is the better film because you don't get such laughably over-the-top shenanigans as Billy Zane getting on a lifeboat by stealing a random baby, Kate telling Billy, "I'd rather be his whore than your wife!", or basically any scene with Billy Zane in it (now that I'm thinking about it, these could be marks in Titanic's favor). Some of the characters here may be a bit cartoonish, but they're believable, and a number of the characters who die actually leave you a bit misty-eyed. A child even drowns, for Christ's sake.

But this isn't A Night to Remember vs. Titanic. How does this film stack up against The Lady Vanishes? Well, Hitch may have been a master, but I'm rarely touched by his films. A Night to Remember is great action, funny, and touching, so it has the edge here. I wasn't expecting to like this one as much as I did, but this is why I'm going through the collection. I love finding gems like this that I may have never watched otherwise, so right now I'm sliding this into the #5 spot. Sorry, Hitch.

1. Beauty and the Beast (1946)
2. Seven Samurai (1954)
3. Grand Illusion (1937)
4. The 400 Blows (1959)
5. A Night to Remember (1958)
6. The Lady Vanishes (1938)
7. Amarcord (1973)

Next time: Part 1 of a John Woo double feature when I tackle The Killer. Come back to find out where I put it! If you care, that is. If not, carry on.

6. Beauty and the Beast vs. Seven Samurai

Here is where doing this list gets even trickier. I've mentioned before that this is a personal ranking, and that things such as influence and importance will typically be shoved aside when factored against my own enjoyment of each film. Admittedly, I did waffle on this with the last entry when I had to pick between The 400 Blows and The Lady Vanishes, but more than likely I'll end up watching The 400 Blows several more times in my life, whereas Lady isn't even a top five film for Hitchcock, despite its excellence. That said, having to pick between those two is nothing compared to my options for today's entry.

Jean Cocteau's Beauty and the Beast is one of the most beautiful fantasy films ever made, and the perfect blending of surrealism with film. Much like how David Lynch uses dream logic in his films to create nightmares, Cocteau uses it to craft a fairy tale that feels ancient and new at the same time. This is a children's story with adult emotions and humor, with none of the rough edges sanded down to make it palatable for the tykes. The Beast's castle is both wonderful and horrifying, with living heads and arms taking the place of traditional decorations and furniture. Smoke rises from damn near everything there. Movements slow down, items reassemble after breaking. A lot of this is Cocteau reversing the film to create his tricks, but no one has ever done it as effectively as he does here, and it all works in service of the story. Nothing feels superfluous.

Beauty and the Beast is one of those films that hit me hard immediately after I saw it. Even after years of devouring films and feeling like I'd seen it all, I wasn't prepared for how gorgeous this was. Not only was it beautiful to look it, but it was also hilarious, with nearly everyone being a prick to each other. The sisters in particular are delightful in their bitchiness, complaining about everything and making Belle's life terrible. This is a film that I can never get tired of watching, because it's one of those rare movies that seems to hit nearly every thing that I like about movie making as an art.

Obviously Beauty and the Beast was going to be near the top of my list, but pitting it against Seven Samurai makes this choice almost impossible. As much as I love Beauty and the Beast, I'm aware that it isn't perfect, while Seven Samurai is one of the few perfect films in existence. The more I think about this, though, the more I lean in Beauty and the Beast's favor. I've seen this film more than Seven Samurai, and the combination of emotions that I'm left with after each viewing make this a more special viewing to me. Not to mention that when I finish Seven Samurai, I'm left with awe, but I'm also thinking, "I could never make something that great." When I finish Beauty and the Beast, I'm thinking, "my God, I want to create something!" That matters to me.

Current hesitant ranking:

1. Beauty and the Beast (1946)
2. Seven Samurai (1954)
3. Grand Illusion (1937)
4. The 400 Blows (1959)
5. The Lady Vanishes (1938)
6. Amarcord (1973)

Next time: I finally watch a movie I've never seen before when I catch the 1958 Titanic drama A Night to Remember. Will it be as great as the Leo/Kate Titanic? Let's hope so!

5. The 400 Blows vs. Amarcord

Similar to how the first two films in the Criterion Collection dealt with different aspects of war, Truffaut's The 400 Blows follows Fellini's Amarcord as another film about growing up. The difference here is that Amarcord was created by a giant of the field, using his clout to continue playing with the form and making the cinematic elite feel uncomfortable by bombarding them with fart and pee-pee gags. The 400 Blows, on the other hand, is the creation of a hungry young director with only a couple short films under his belt. It's no surprise which one of these stands out as the better film.

As I've aged, I found that I'm less interested in coming of age tales. A big problem that I have with many of them is that they portray unlikable bratty youths being destructive and causing havoc for authority figures, all the while assuming that you should be on their side because authority sucks. Perhaps I'm simplifying it too much, but now that I've become an authority figure I see where these people are coming from, and if I had to deal with Antoine Doinel I would undoubtedly be the bad guy in the story. I know his home life kind of sucks (though it's a bit too "women! Am I right?" for my liking), but part of growing up and going to school is learning that there's a world outside of yourself, with rules and expected behavior. Plagiarizing Balzac is not a charming transgression that should be easily forgiven in an English class, nor is stealing a typewriter from his father's workplace. In fact, aside from his father slapping him in front of class, Antoine brings on nearly everything that comes to him just by being a rebellious kid. I'm not absolving his shitty parents, I'm just saying that everyone here has to shoulder the blame for what happens to him.

Now that I've gotten my "Antoine Doinel is an asshole" spiel out of the way, I can point out that this film is brilliant, and a lot of it has to do with every character feeling real and everything having a documentary feel. The youthful shenanigans of Antoine are more realistic than what Fellini was giving us with his complicated piss machines and sex-starved tabacconists. I know that I can't knock a Fellini film for not being realistic, but this film felt more truthful and down to earth than Amarcord, and coming immediately after it in the collection really does Fellini's film no favors. I feel that Fellini is the better filmmaker, but in this case, Truffaut made the better film.

How does it rank with the rest of the previous films? Well, it's not going to compete with Seven Samurai, so that's out. I preferred Grand Illusion, so I can't put The 400 Blows above it despite its importance. The biggest problem I'm having is how the fuck do I choose between this and The Lady Vanishes? Do I go for the fun-filled romp, or do I choose The 400 Blows because of it being one of the greatest French New Wave films ever made? Jesus Christ. As tough as this is, I think I'm going to have to err on the side of "importance" here, and put The 400 Blows above The Lady Vanishes, even though that Lady was more enjoyable than ol' Antoine. In my defense, I enjoyed watching The 400 Blows, and enjoyment is a pretty big factor for me. I may have enjoyed watching The Lady Vanishes more, but I certainly didn't feel as edified as I did with this one.

1. Seven Samurai (1954)
2. Grand Illusion (1937)
3. The 400 Blows (1959)
4. The Lady Vanishes (1938)
5. Amarcord (1973)


Next up: I encounter what may turn out to be the hardest decision I've had to make yet with this list, as I watch Jean Cocteau's fantasy masterpiece, and one of my all-time favorite films, Beauty and the Beast. Does Seven Samurai get knocked down from the top spot? Will I have the balls to do it? You'll just have to wait and see.

4. Amarcord: Fellini's tribute to farts, fascism, and jerking off

Ah, Amarcord. I remember this film being the first time I was underwhelmed by the great Federico Fellini. Not to say this is a bad film, but coming as it did after Nights of Cabiria, La Dolce Vita, 8 1/2 and Juliet of the Spirits, I distinctly remember thinking, "man that was...alright." In fact, and this probably says more about me than it does the film itself, but the thing I remembered most about this film was the scene where the tobacconist shoves her absurdly gigantic breasts into a teenage boy's face. Now, with a second viewing, I think the film clicked a bit more with me, but overall, it's still just...alright. I can't quite put my finger on what the issue is with this film. It's frequently hilarious, with a lot of gross-out gags and people being annoyed by each other. My favorite gag may be when a group of school boys create a Rube Goldberg-esque contraption that lets a student take a piss in class and blame it on someone else. However, overall the film just feels like a bunch of disconnected memories loosely tied together with a teenage boy named Titta and an old man who pops up to talk directly to the audience. To be less charitable, it sometimes feels like a lesser Buñuel effort, but with more butt humor.

Personally, I'm not a big fan of films that are just a series of disconnected (or vaguely connected) skits. Even when it's by a director I love (such as Buñuel), I'm less inclined to stay interested because I'm not given enough time to give a shit about the characters I'm watching. I was really hoping that I would enjoy this one more the second time around, but it just felt like a lesser work to me.

That said, this is my easiest ranking yet, as it's the first film on this jaunt that I don't consider a masterpiece of some kind. It feels weird not to compare and contrast this film with the others on the list, but why bother? On any given night I'd easily watch the previous three entries over this. In fact, sad as it is to say, I may never watch Amarcord again, despite Magali Noel's delightful appearance and the scattered toilet gags. To the bottom of the list with you, Amarcord:

1. Seven Samurai (1954)
2. Grand Illusion (1937)
3. The Lady Vanishes (1938)
4. Amarcord (1973)

Next time: Will one of my favorite films from my early twenties hold up, or will I end up bitching about how it doesn't? Tune in when I watch and judge Truffaut's The 400 Blows!

3. The Lady Vanishes vs. Grand Illusion

The Lady Vanishes marks the first appearance in the Criterion DVD list of genre masterpieces that may not carry Big Important Themes or have some deep, penetrating insight to offer, but are just kick-ass thrill rides made by masters of the craft. These films are trickier to rank, but I'll get to that shortly.

After two bona fide top tier masterpieces it's interesting to see this film pop up so early in the collection. The odd thing about The Lady Vanishes, a film that I've seen before and remember loving, is that it's a secondary (or even tertiary) Hitchcock work. If you're new to Hitch and need a place to start, you're going to go for Vertigo, Psycho, North by Northwest, The Birds, The Man Who Knew Too Much, or any number of his other films. In fact, it's going to take a long-ass time until you get around to this one, yet this may be one of his most unabashedly entertaining films. It's definitely one of his funniest, with the humor cranked up higher than usual here, especially in the opening scene, which plays out more like a character-establishing comedy set piece than a prelude to a spy thriller.

This is a great film, and with regard to ranking, pretty easy going. Seven Samurai is in an untouchable spot for the time being, but Grand Illusion is a film that I expect to shift positions. Thus, how do I choose between Grand Illusion and The Lady Vanishes? For me, there are a number of boxes I need to tick off when ranking a film, and Grand Illusion wins out for me because while it isn't a roller coaster ride like The Lady Vanishes, it's still a funny, smart, brilliantly acted and written piece of cinema that touched me at times. A general problem that I have with Hitchcock's films, even though I love them, is that aside from adrenaline, I'm rarely emotionally moved by his work. Also, aside from his technical brilliance, I don't usually find his films all that deep. Granted, his obsessions are fascinating, and as with every filmmaker, there are underlying themes to his filmography. Hitch just didn't set out to change the world, so personally, I can't put any of his films in the same category as something like Grand Illusion.

This brings up an interesting "problem" that I've thought about with this list. This is a personal ranking, and I'm not going to be swayed by arguments like "well Godard is important so you can't rank his films that low." I don't enjoy watching his films, so I'm probably going to banish most of them near the bottom of my ranking. Same with a lot of Italian Neorealism, which I understand is important but for me is the definition of movie watching as homework. However, the real test of how the hell I'm going to do this is when I get to something like Robocop, which is my favorite action film and something I can watch over and over again. Having a battle between Robocop and Seven Samurai is moronic as hell, but if I'm going to rank the Criterion Collection, then that's something I'm going to have to figure out. And before someone calls bullshit with today's ranking, I enjoyed watching Grand Illusion more than The Lady Vanishes, and will probably watch it again before I give this one another go. So shove it, imaginary combative reader.

Current ranking:

1. Seven Samurai (1954)
2. Grand Illusion (1937)
3. The Lady Vanishes (1938)

Next time: I see if I remember more than the woman with cartoonishly large breasts from Fellini's Amarcord. My first viewing was "meh," but will I like it more now? Let's hope so.

2. Seven Samurai vs. Grand Illusion

This may be the easiest ranking I get for awhile.

First of all, I love that the first two films in the Criterion Collection are difference aspects of war. Renoir's Grand Illusion hammered home the psychology of POWs and how they react even in a situation where they are afforded a number of personal rights and privileges. In fact, the German captors even apologize to their prisoners for rudeness and pleasantly offer them seats. Not only that, but the French prisoners even get to put on a stage show full of costumes and music. Contrasting that with trench warfare, the life of a prisoner looks pretty sweet here.

Now we get Seven Samurai, about a farming village that constantly gets terrorized by bandits who steal their food, rape their women, and murder them at will. The farmers are broken down, permanently on edge and afraid of everything. After a farmer overhears the group of bandits plan to attack the village again during harvest, he seeks out the village elder is told to hire some samurai to help them defend themselves. The charming gentleman's war feel of Grand Illusion is absent here, as the farmers hate the bandits and distrust the samurai, the samurai hate the bandits and distrust the farmers, and the bandits hate and distrust everyone. No one's sitting down for cognac and cancan dances here. Life is brutal, the noble die, and even a happy ending makes you feel kinda shitty. Hell, even the romantic subplots of both films are mirror images, with the samurai Katsushiro's affair with farmer's daughter Shino ending with her turning away from him, as the samurai are no longer needed there. This is a far cry from the standard "thanks for the ass, but I have to bail now" feel that Maréchal's fling with Elsa has in Grand Illusion.

Look, if you're reading this, you know the plot of Seven Samurai. It's probably one of the most untouchable classics in cinema history, one of those films like Citizen Kane that kind of hovers above everything else. Even clocking in at 3 1/2 hours the time zooms by, since this film is jam packed with conflict, humor, great character moments, and is so enjoyable that it transcends the standard "homework" feel that certain classics have (I'm looking at you, Umberto D). Now don't get me wrong, I loved Grand Illusion. I love it more each time I see it. But Seven Samurai is on an entirely different level here. It's like asking Chris Paul to play against Magic Johnson. It's too fucking unfair.

Therefore, my current ranking is:

1. Seven Samurai (1954)
2. Grand Illusion (1937)

Next time promises to be another easy ranking, with Hitchcock's early masterpiece The Lady Vanishes. Will I enjoy this more than Seven Samurai and Grand Illusion? My early answer is "no," but stay tuned!

1. Grand Illusion: To start this off...

Just for shits and giggles I thought I'd create a blog ranking the Criterion Collection. I haven't seen even half of these films, but who knows. Maybe I'll even finish this one.

Grand Illusion (1937)

This is about the third or fourth time I've seen this film, and while I've always liked it, I think this is the first time that I can say I've fallen in love with it. It's such an odd war movie, in that it portrays a group of POW's that in general don't get beaten and get along fine with each other, aside from some rather fluffy antisemitism.  The worst thing I remember is Jean Gabin being put in solitary confinement. Oh, and someone gets shot in the stomach, but to be fair, he was trying to escape after all. Aside from that, these guys are allowed lavish packages from home, and have cognac-fueled feasts hosted by fellow prisoner Rosenthal. The dialog is witty as shit, and each character feels unique enough to deserve a solo film, though I doubt director Jean Renoir would be interested in a Grand Illusion Cinematic Universe. Speaking of cinematic universes, you also get Erich von Stroheim dressed up like a Marvel supervillain, with a neck-brace and chin holder that wouldn't look out of place in Hydra's closet. However, while you would never see the Red Skull delicately cradling a dying Captain America's face, you do get that with Stroheim and the French Captain who he just shot. I told you this wasn't like your typical war film. Renoir loves examining social structures, and this may be my favorite instance of this theme, though The Rules of the Game and Boudu Saved from Drowning are some stiff competition for this film. Will I end up preferring those over The Grand Illusion when I rewatch them? I guess you'll just have to stay tuned to find out.

The plan is to rank these films as I watch them. Right now it's Grand Illusion vs. nothing. My list thus far looks like this:

1. Grand Illusion (1937)

Next up: Akira Kurosawa's Seven Samurai. Will I like this 3 1/2 hour samurai epic more than Grand Illusion? I've already seen it and vaguely know the answer, but I'm not saying a goddamn thing until I rewatch it. Until then!